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Editorial from the Community
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Offended Yet?

An Extremely Disrespectful Rant about Sex, Food and Video Games

By mikedeas879 on 1/26/2012
***** The following is kind of offensive. And sarcastic and satirical. And all in good fun. Remember that, please. *****

I made love to your mother on your parents’ marital bed, using your recorder flute from third grade music class in ways you could never imagine.

Feeling offended? Confused? Betrayed?

Great! Then when I say what I’m about to say you should be fine because nothing can compare to the hatred you must feel when I say that I thought your mom was great… until I had your sister.

Okay. Are you pissed? Frustrated? Perfect.

What I really want to talk about is that I don’t like first person perspective in video games. First person shooters, first person RPG’s, first person action games. You can keep them. I want nothing to do with them. Never have and never will. But, as your sister and I cuddled in the back of your piece of shit car (yeah, that smell… that was me) and I ranted about my love of video games - her hot best friend said something. Did I mention it was a threesome? Sorry. Must have left that part out.

Your sister’s hot best friend said boys only played FPS’ and that video games were stupid. Instead of fighting with her, I just went down on her for about forty-five minutes making her scream things I promise you’ll never hear in your entire life. But, I thought of something in those forty-five minutes.

I think I may be wrong in my dislike for the most loved perspective in video game (hell, media) history. CoD: Modern Warfare 3 made 1 billion dollars in 17 days – that’s more than Avatar made in the same amount of time. And Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is winning every Game of the Year award out there. The new Bioshock is one of the most anticipated titles that’s ever been released.

I am the minority. I also don’t like Chipotle. I’m the minority there, too but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Why don’t I like these games? What is it that makes me roll my eyes in boredom and flip the switch to my PS3 off? After days of sexing up your third grade teacher, your old babysitter and that girl you’ve liked since freshman Science class I decided to stop. Yeah, I put down everything and played each one of the three games mentioned above (and many more).

I spent weeks playing and re-playing the most popular video games in the world, turning my phone on silent as that cute cashier you always flirt with called me. I didn’t even look at the naked pictures your spinning instructor sent me (yet). This weekend I only spent four hours at that strip club you can’t afford to go to. And you know what I found out? What it is that puts me off from these globally acclaimed games?

Nothing. They’re perfectly okay. I understand that people love them and I just don’t get it. Just liked I don’t understand the Chipotle thing. Sure, those are some tasty damn burritos, but I’d rather have a burger and fries for the fourth straight night. It’s just a matter of taste, and apparently my taste buds have been burnt off. But, if I have no taste buds, what do I like to eat? I looked back into my collection to try to make some comparisons.

Kingdom Hearts. Red Dead Redemption. God of War. Ratchet and Clank. Skyward Sword. Grand Theft Auto. Batman: Arkham City. Fable. Brutal Legend. Uncharted. Mario Galaxy. Harvest Moon. Darksiders. Final Fantasy.

The list goes on and on. What makes these games different? What are some patterns I see? Some of these games could be considered shooters. Sure. Some of these are RPG’s. Absolutely. And plenty of them have action. Yes, sir. There is a vast array of games here. But, here’s what I found:

Kingdom Hearts. Red Dead Redemption. God of War.  Ratchet and Clank. Skyward Sword. Grand Theft Auto. Batman: Arkham City. Fable. Brutal Legend. Uncharted.  Mario Galaxy. Harvest Moon.  Darksiders. Final Fantasy.  

The games you see in bold are story driven games. Any one of these games could easily be made into a (probably pretty awful) movie. You’ve got various gameplay elements, but each one of them has cinematic cut scenes that you’re playing towards to further the story. And I’m not saying that shooters couldn’t be made into bad movies (Doom) but these games are inherently engaging just by their structure. When I put down God of War, I want to come back two hours later to see what happens next. I want to watch Batman lay the smack down on Mr. Freeze. I want to check out the next Disney world in Sora’s adventure.

And yes, you can have a story with first person perspective. Bioshock has a totally engaging story. Skyrim is a world you can literally get lost in (and I have). I’m not doubting that there is story there. But, I’m arguing that these games do not use the optimal story-telling perspective. Some people read comic books but would never pick up a novel in their lives. It’s the same thing. There were multiple times in each game I played where I was thinking “Oh, it’d be so cool if they did __________!” But, they couldn’t. The stories were anchored to only seeing through the eyes of the character and it was extremely inhibiting.

But, as I was reading this aloud to that cute gamer chick you always see at the Pokemon: The Card Game league, she asked me a good question:

“Can I be on top now?” And of course I obliged her. I’m not an animal. And then she brought up a good point:

“What about MarioKart? Or Harvest Moon? Those games don’t really have stories.”

And she’s right. But, the other games (the ones not bolded) are games that have different gameplay elements that aren’t in most story driven games. Sure, they have some sort of story but that’s not why you play. Buy any Mario game and you’ll know you’re not playing to see why Bowser steals Peach this time. You’re playing to see what new quirk Nintendo has thrown into the works. He’s Paper this time?!? Now he’s tiny and has to use teamwork with Luigi to get out of Bowser’s stomach?!? These games keep you coming back because of their immersive, innovative gameplay. Ratchet and Clank is the perfect example. Those games are nothing but shooting guns. But, their guns are super cool! And it’s funny. And I just like them, okay?

Yes, first person games have various innovative gameplay elements. Fallout is RPG based and lets you level up weapons and do that cool slow-mo gun-shooting thing. There are horror based FP games that actually do have elements that make the perspective better than a third person would be. But, at the end of the day you shoot stuff then the level ends. Then you start the next level, shoot stuff then the level ends. Left 4 Dead was a fun game, I guess. Played it with my roommate. But, if that girl I met on CraigsList hadn’t been giving me an HJ under the blanket I would have stopped ten minutes into the first level.

At the end of the day, it’s all about preference. I say po-tate-o, you say po-tot-o. The only difference being that potatoes don’t really have fourteen-year-old fanboys who will slander me on the Internet for saying I think that I prefer tater tots over steak fries. So, go at it losers. Unfriend me on Facebook. Tell your Korean buddy on CoD that Americans are stupid. But, here’s the deal. After all the shit I talked in this article, if you’re focusing on my dislike for a certain kind of video game maybe you need to get out more.

And if you do go out let me know, because I wouldn’t mind trying to raw dog that chick your dad’s cheating on your mom with when you’re all out of the house.

Disclaimer: This article was written by a member of the Game Effect community (a non staff member), and includes views and opinions that are their own, and not expressly shared by TheGameEffect.
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Elleyena on March 21, 2012
This was pretty funny. I agree with you on your points about story games. However sometimes mindless killing can be fun! (In a videogame sense of course)
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NSchneider on March 11, 2012
Another great community article, also hilarious which is a good thing.  Valid point was made though, preference is something that people never truly take into account, it seems weird but I couldn't get into Mass Effect at all.  Why is that weird? Well for starters I really like science fiction, and two I love the RPG genre.  But for whatever reason Bioware hasn't had the same effect on me as everyone else.  Does that discredit any of their games? Not in the least, but does it mean that I can say I don't like them sure.  Preference is as preference does (I'm doing that wrong I think) but to keep it simple, thanks for this great message wrapped around one of the funniest editorials I have read today.
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DragonCRAZY365 on February 27, 2012
OMFG The Beginning i laughed so hard! XD You should write more things like this!
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OSMenace on February 03, 2012
I laughed so hard I cried.
But the only thing I'm offended over, after reading the entire thing, is that you don't like Chipotle. Thats a cardinal sin.
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Merfyz on January 26, 2012
I like how you wrote the article it kept me entertained.

I also have to ask if you play Mass Effect, because to me those are the best story driven games, also my favorite game series, with Elder Scrolls of course.

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MikeDeas879 on January 26, 2012
I played a lot of the first and plan on diving into the second before the new one comes out. My roommate is totally into them so I'm excited to explore them more.
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